The (Not-So) Secret Fear About Being Single

On Friday, I was pretty restless. The week had been really productive and I was longing for that extra day to add onto the weekend schedule, (weren't we all?) and I was anxious to nail down my long weekend plans. 

God bless my co-worker. We set up shop at a coffeeshop on Friday morning and started working through our daily to-do lists. As I answered emails and wrote my way to the weekend, I stopped every five minutes to let her know I was ready for the day to be over and I wanted an adventure. She put up with my verbal daydreaming for longer than she should have. 

First, I was going to stay in town and plan a day-trip to the waterfalls with friends. Then, I was going to jump in the car and drive home to see family. Next, I was planning a beach trip. Despite my indecisiveness, my spontaneity took over and I found two friends crazy enough to hop in the car with me and drive seven hours to Florida.

And I don't regret it for a second.

We laughed and told stories about our childhood and sang along to every good road trip song imaginable. We sat on the beach long enough to walk away with burnt feet and knees and we planted ourselves in beach chairs long enough to see the sunset. It was glorious.

As we drove down, we commented on why the spontaneity of this season of life is our favorite. Being single means we have no one to check with or answer to when we want to hop in the car and pay for a last minute weekend away. I love that about the season.

But the "decision is all mine," mindset is also what scares me the most:

My biggest fear about being single is that I've become too comfortable with being single.

The life I live is pretty selfish... at least it feels that way. How I spend or save my money is up to me. What I do for a career is up to me and affects no one else-- just me. What I do every night or every weekend? My decision. I've spent years discovering (and forcing myself to discover) the joy in being single. And I love it. I truly do. I fear, however, that I've lost the ability to share.

The world says, "Single? Totally fine. Work hard. Find you. Find success." But I'm saving for "my" house, not "ours." I'm setting up retirement plans with me in mind and no one else. Call it a defense mechanism. Call it savvy. Call it crazy. Regardless, if I'm so comfortable with singleness, can I reverse it? Can I share my space, literally my room, with someone? Can I share my time? My finances? Can I share my heart?

Twenty-nine has brought on all kinds of thoughts (possibly more than were welcome). I'm supposed to be scared of thirty and I'm not. I've watched way too many friends twirl into thirty. Instead I'm afraid I'm going to twirl and never stop. 

If this is the sweet life, can I learn to share it?